i will never forget my 25th birthday. not because there was a crazy awesome party. not because we executed my great planned out morning. the things i planned did not happen at all. instead we woke up to a great disturbance in our city, and were “sheltered-in-place” for almost the entire day. being a few miles from the center of the chaos, our little village felt fairly normal, but there was a serious eerie feeling going around. my soul just felt off, you know? at the 6pm briefing, it’s safe to say the whole city felt even more perplexed than it had all day. thinking this 19 year old brother had straight up disappeared from watertown seemed crazy. it honestly felt like we were being lied to. the police/swat/fbi/bomb squad/official presence in that area was so intense. i felt like maybe the door-to-door search in watertown was just a waste… but either way. imagining this kid hunkered down in a boat bleeding out… wondering what thoughts were running through his head. now listen, i’m not sympathetic toward this guy. but still, he is a human. he is just a kid. thinking of myself at 19 years old… i didn’t know what my life was going to look like. i had no idea. maybe he just latched on to something horrible, something his brother talked him into, or something he was just trying on for size because he didn’t know what his life was meant for. something he probably believed was radical and would make a statement, but he never thought he’d be hiding in a boat in watertown feeling like he was dying. i mean, robert and i looked at at several apartments in watertown with our baby just a couple months old. i’m not trying to make this tragedy about me, but really? what if we were some of the folks looking out windows thursday night or standing on the back porch in the spring breeze just to hear explosions, gunfire, and all around horror. anyway, it’s hard to sort all these thoughts out. but i just can’t help but think, God ultimately loves dzhokhar tsarnaev. He hates what this kid did and is probably burning with rage and justice, but don’t i believe God loves him too? moses killed a guy and buried him in the sand. and so many people who ended up being saints were full of depravity at a point in their story. i think of the apostle paul, a guy who seriously hated others and wanted them to die.. until he was struck blind and changed his way. well, this is just another thought i am trying to sort out. the whole week i was just thinking, i bet the bombers are just some kids who were trying to make a big statement. maybe they are connected to a larger group. maybe not. either way, i feel like any human being can turn on a dime and become just as messed up inside. we are all walking a fine line between being completely wrecked and reckless or being humbled by this choice we have… to say i’m done. i need something better than this. i need true life or nothing at all.
all i know for sure is that we must pray, Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. save me, a sinner. keep the darkness far from us. lead us to your light. amen.
a nap like this just did not happen yesterday
Hebrews 4:9-10 So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.
we went to solemn mass instead of low mass, braving the longer service. the men & boys choir is remarkable, but they don’t sing during low mass. i crave the music. the ancient melodies are so moving, much more so than most contemporary christian ballads. the strong notes of the organ seem to penetrate the deepest parts of me. especially during lent the more contemplative and traditional setting seems so appropriate… my friend offered to take archer down with her girls during the homily and following prayers. during this time i nudged robert and whispered, “this is so nice!” i am glad to say i left inspired and revived.
after the service there were coffee hour handshakes and how do you dos. then it’s the guessing game of “will archer nap today?” and of course he slept for the fifteen minute ride in the car. i think at least two teeth are rearing their heads, so little man is a bit more ornery than usual.
we decided to make greek salads and walked to the local lebanese [greek?] pita shop to buy feta and kalamata olives. mmmmm. i whipped out some dressing, and boy did that hit the spot. not quite a st. patrick’s day meal… we drank guinness extra stouts on the side to be festive.
it was during our lunch time that archer kept arching his back [true to his name] trying to climb out of his high chair. terrifying to say the least. i said, “sit on your bum!” and tried a strong, “no!” and he cried alligator tears. robert put him in his crib for a little “time out” but does he understand yet? it wasn’t until after robert went to work at 3:30 and about an hour of reading books, playing, lots of holding and whining that i threw in the towel. i let archer lay in the big bed with me for a fitful nap of about 30 minutes.
and then later, after archer’s surrender to bedtime, i bundled up on the back porch and closed my eyes hearing not the rush of traffic but of a river. or maybe a waterfall. could it be the ocean waves? i lifted my gaze to a clear sky above this little village. the moon, the constellations, and the bare branches against the deep blue–they wrapped around me. this is where i found my sabbath rest. the night held me still as fir needles shimmered in the street lamp. my mind relaxed and recalled that life flows from God.
this little scrunchie nose is really just making our world go round these days. it’s his new go-to face. i could not be more pleased!
on a different note, i’ve been reading a lot [a lot!] of posts around mama-blog-world re: weaning these days. it makes me a little nervous, sad, and thoughtful during those quiet moments in archer’s darkened room. i’m so thankful to have that special bond with my babe, so so thankful. but knowing someday (not now!) he will be ready to move on is difficult. it also makes me sit back and marvel at motherhood. the whole process, man o man, it’s just intense. from that first “i’m pregnant!” moment to birth to now… and then we do it all over again for each baby! everything is constantly changing, growing, shifting, and i embrace more and more the privilege it is to care for this child of mine. thanks be to God.