I sit here listening to songs without words meditating on my day, mug of tea in hand. This is the day I made the most difficult decision I have ever made. The objective was full obedience to what I believe God put inside my heart. Nonetheless, my spirit and mind are exhausted from the sorrow I have experienced. I don’t feel brave or proud of myself, but I know in time I will see.
The need to draw near to God in this time is overwhelming. For months I have felt distance from Him growing and growing, like staring down into a deep canyon of my soul, unsure when the darkness will stop. This passage from “My Utmost” by Chambers” for January 4th speaks to my circumstance today.
“When God brings the blank space, see that you do not fill it in, but wait. The blank space may come in order to teach you what sanctification means, or it may come after sanctification to teach you what service means. Never run before God’s guidance. If there is the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt, don’t.
In the beginning you may see clearly what God’s will is–the severance of a friendship, the breaking off of a business relationship, something you feel distinctly before God is His will for you to do, never do it on the impulse of that feeling. If you do, you will end in making difficulties that will take years of time to put right. Wait for God’s timing to bring it round and He will do it without any heartbreak or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move.”
I find myself craving authentic community with the Body of Christ. A support system, a foundation of loving friendships is so necessary for my healing. My little soul is just starving. I cannot wait to fill myself with solid spiritual food. As the reading from Ephesians says today, “Walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up as a fragrant offering for us… at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.”
I am thankful that I am not in control. Anxiety is ceasing, and hopefully love will multiply.